ANOTHER STUPID FIGHT

 I WAs stress soo fucking stress that i need some accompany some friend to tell but i dont want to burden them with my shits. so i tell him i really hope he will understand but it turns into fight. he tried to called me many damn times tried his best to calmed me but it did not work coz im egoistic bitch. yet that calmed session turn into a mental damage session coz i said things i should not said and i know i broke him. but whyy it always to be about him. i have problem he tried to solve i refuse he gave up blame himself useless for me then i need to do the damage control pujuk him and forget my shits just like that. ALL I FUCKING NEED IS FOR HIM TO JUST STAY BY MY SIDE AND TELL ME THAT IT WILL BE OKAY AND IT IS OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY. JUST FUCKING STAY TRY TO CHEER ME UP. i might not act like i care but iu am really happy i just dont want to say it.  IF U WANT TO KNOW WHY IM SOOO FUCKING STRESS IS BECAUSE MY MOM IS NOT HERE NEVER A MOMENT I FORGET WHERE SHE IS AND WHAT HAVE I DONE. burden by guilt plus  i cannot visit. how the fuck u think it easy for me. then i am burden by my own overthink about losing weight that i tried but alwys failed. i am stress about saving my money so i can rent umi a house when she is here but i want to buy an ipad because i want it. how u think my life is. i know u have ur own shits that u just dont care enough to tell because u alwys a person that dont care about orther shits. i am fuckinfg happy that he is my boo. but how can this work is we both soo fucking ego and taknak mengalah. AM I SO HARD TO BE UNDERSTOOD??? I WATCHED ALL THOSE SWEET COUPLE VIDEOS AND REALLY WISHED THAT WE CAN SOMEDAY BE LIKE THAT. BUT HOWWWWW? TONITE WHAT I HOPE IS THAT U ARE HERE ACCOMPANY ME NOT GIVING UP ON ME NOT RESENT ME NOT TRY TO MAKE ME LOOK LIKE IM THE BAD GUY. BECAUSE IM TIRED OF BEING THE BAD GUY EVEN WHEN IM DOING HERO SHITS. WHY CANT HE UNDERSTAND ME AND ACCEPT ME THE WAY I AM? MAYBE IT IS TRUE AFTER ALL THAT I AM THE TOXIC IN OUR RELATIONSHIP. MAYBE I NEED TO STEPOUT TO GIVE HIM THE HAPPINESS HE DESERVWE. NOT ME A STUPID EGOISTIC CLINGY EMOTION UNSTABLE BAD TERIBBLE BITCH. MAYBE HE DESERVE SOMEONE BETTER THAN ME? IS THAT WHAT HE WANT?

February 6th 2022 - 7:19pm

 feeling stress is normal right. i talked to my sister last night after a long 2/3 weeks of cold and silent argument yet somehow this stress feeling never bother to go away. After a stressfull week having many argumehnt in my head  bout my sister now i'm back to overthink and struggling to lose weight. WHY THE HECK CANT I JUST LOVE MYSLEF. im so tired. im a student who works her ass off to earn money and buy healthy food, pay for gym pay for her skincare and still know she's gonna die someday.Wanting to buy an ipad but then think i should save more and buy a car then think im not yet ready for the commitment. Wanting to buy a gold bracelet then think i should save and save and save and use it for better purpose. DESPITE THE SCARE FEELING OF WASTING MY MONEY I HAVE'NT KEEP MY MONEY THAT MUCH AND USE IT ON OTHER. why am i let myself treat myself like this when all i want is to be happy but i am not! HOW THE FUCK SHOULD I DO TO BE HAPPY WITH WHAT I HAVE??? GRATEFUL?? BUT HOWWW?  I TRY TO FOLLOW WHAT THE MEDIA TOLD ME TO DO TO BE HAPPY, FOCUS ON MYSELF, EAT CLEAN GOOD FOOD LOSE VWEIGHT.. I DID I DID I DID AND WHAT NOW?? WHY AM I NOT HAPPY. I AM MENTALLY EXHAUSTED. WANTING TO SUCCESS BUT TO LAZY TO STUDY WANTING TO STUDY BUT ALSO WANT TO SLEEP. WANTING TO LOSE WEIGHT BUT KEEP HOLDING MYSLEF FROM GOING TO GYM NOR RUNNING. WHAT HAPPEN TO ME. FUJCK I HATE TISSS